Thursday, September 18, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
I am planning on getting weight loss surgery. I have not been so ready for something in my life. (Other than possibly getting to Wesleyan.) I am working hard on this because I have worked all my life to get rid of weight that has been there.
I have Hypothyroidism. It is where your metabolism is extremely slow, and you have to be on medicine for it. If I am not on my medicine, I gain extreme amounts of weight. It is so easy for me to gain and difficult to lose it. I am not a couch potato typically. I get out. I go out and do things when possible. Anyone who knows me, knows this. I finally have healthcare that allows for my medicine to be regular, and I am in touch to get surgery in Atlanta through my insurance.
I am not taking this route to be easier by any means, but it will be the jump start I need. I need this to reach the goals I want. I am struggling now because my weight has been an issue since almost immediately after birth. I am looking for my life to improve with this choice. I also understand that right after the surgery that I will struggle a little then as well.
I hope you all as my friends will support me. I know that you will and I consider you all great friends and amazing supporters. So thank you in advance.
Friday, July 25, 2014
I am getting tired of jumping higher and higher to get nowhere. I am trying so hard. And I am not saying I am giving up. I am just saying I am tired!
I want one thing to go as planned. I want for one week when I am not worried about one thing or another.
I know God has all these plans, but it still just seems so much harder for me these days. I feel like since December I have been fighting to get back to normality in my life. I feel like I keep pushing forward to get somewhere just to be told that somewhere is well, um nowhere.
I know God is still here, but the Devil is pushing me really hard. And my hoops are getting higher or smaller (or the hole I'm in is getting deeper). I am just wanting to get back to Wesleyan. I want to get back to BCM. I want to get back to Wesley Foundation. I want to become more than I am at this moment. I want to be someone more than just a homebody. I am wanting to get to the things I know are in my future, but are still a little far out of reach.
I just hurt because I see all these amazing things God has in store for me, and I cannot reach any of them. If you would, pray for me to have patience. Pray for me to gain understanding of God's timing being perfect.
Friday, July 18, 2014
I realize that honestly, he would NOT have stayed through the events of December. He would have run and I would have been hurt even more then. He was not strong enough for the person I am becoming. He is not the type of person that would spend the rest of his life with me because he got too impatient too easily. And he was not willing to work for more in life. I don't want someone who is not going to push for better for themselves. I am doing that constantly in my life. I expect the person I spend the rest of my life with to do the same for themselves. I want to be making my life better for myself and every other person that is in it!
I do not want to say I have high standards now, but I have deal breakers. There are certain things that have to be true of the person I am spending the rest of my life with. I have these things that have happened to me in the last year to make me realize that this person will have to love me for me and now who they want me to be. They are going to have to see me for who I am in the moment, but also be prepared for where I am heading in life. God has big goals for my life otherwise I would not be here. He has to be ready for those things and has to be ready for the things in his own life.
Those who know me, know I have a passion and zeal for everything in life. I have to have that in common with the person I plan to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with! I have to have someone who will go on random car rides through the country on a Sunday afternoon. I have to have someone who will go to the pool on a Tuesday night just because we can and want to. I want that person that is going to kidnap me at four in the morning for breakfast at Waffle House and watch sunrise. I want a spontaneous person that will have the ambition that I do. If the person doesn't, it will never work because I will either be dragged down or flying too far ahead and neither of us will be happy. This is why I have these deal breakers.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Another show we watch is called Perception. The main character's father has Alzheimer's. My great grandmother does as well. I am seeing some things that help me understand the disease a little better.
Seeing these... It does not automatically make it okay in my life. But it's helping me deal with certain aspects. It also makes me sad though because I just want to be there for my grandfather. My great gramma doesn't even remember me or my siblings.
The two situations are actually opposites really. One body is going and the other person's mind is going. It is difficult for me to see these things happen in my life. I just want them to get better. I know Alzheimer's is irreversible, and the cancer has a slim to no chance of remission.
Maybe these shows will help me understand things going on in my life that I have no ability to help or control.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
I finally figured out why I have to go back in the fall. I figured out why it is so important to me. I'm afraid if I don't go back in the fall that I will never finish. That is what is so important to me.
I'm working so hard in the different aspects of my life to improve who I am and who I can be. I don't want to be that person that doesn't follow her dreams.
Everyone is telling me I can wait, but if I do... I am afraid I will never finish.
I have to do this to prove it to all the naysayers in my life. And I'm the biggest one out of all of them. I'm the hardest critic and doubter of my abilities. I have to do this for myself.
I have to prove that I can do more because I did think at one point that my life had no reasoning. I did think that there was no reason for me to try. But then I found it in a little boy at a Boys and Girls Club in Myrtle Beach.
That boy and the thousands of others I will reach are the reason I am here.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
I finally just had a thought tonight as I sit here alone in our house. I can live alone if I have to do it. I can, but I wouldn't want to. I don't like feeling isolated. I don't like being alone. I guess this is a subtle hint from God to tell me that I do have someone out there who will complete me. I won't have to ever live in an empty house.
It is really so refreshing to feel that from God. I have been looking for something from God during these really rough past few weeks. It's not really a definitive answer to everything happening now, but then again it is. I have been asking all these questions and I guess He is telling me to sit back and let Him handle it all. I thought I was, but I guess I really wasn't.
I am so frustrated though. I don't wish the events of the last seven months on anyone, but it is hard. And my family has been through so much in life already. And we keep pushing forward to better ourselves and our situation, and the doors aren't just shut. They are slammed in our faces. Or left far enough open for us to see, but not get through. It is rough.
I am just ready for something positive to start happening. I am hoping that some of these things turn around... I really do. I am praying for some positive things to start happen. I guess I just am a hopeful person. Sometimes.... I wonder if I am too hopeful. But my faith is in God, and it rests in the fact that my Father will take care of me!
Thank You God for this little message for me. Thank you for this message of hope while I feel like everything else is falling apart.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Well that was me tonight. I haven't really had much time to talk to my friends during the last couple of weeks. And tonight... someone talked to me for the first time in like three weeks. And everything just kind of spilled out of my mouth. To quote Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls "Word Vomit." I really feel terrible about it. I want to take it all back.
The worst part is that it was to a guy that I'm interested in getting to know better. He is sweet and super funny. I don't want to seem weird right now.
I guess these last months have been hellacious. And these few weeks I just went through are just the tip of the iceberg. My family is going to have a rough 2014. And the people I could normally talk to have scattered across the US and world. Ugh... I did not expect this. And now that it's happening... I don't know if my heart is configured correctly enough yet to get through it all.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
I'm super confused. My emotions are in a million places. Literally, I'm thinking of Pittsburgh (PA), Aragon(GA), Macon(GA), and Oakridge(TN). I'm a mixed bag of emotions. And I'm feeling like the more I try to give it to God and focus on what I can do... the more I have no control over anything.
I just want five seconds when I'm not worrying about something. I thought almost dying this year would have filled my quota for the flames of life. I did not expect the last year to put me through hell.
I don't want to be angry or bitter to anyone, but I'm really emotionally exhausted. I'm trying so hard to keep living for God... But the breakup in August, the events of December and January, my grandfather's cancer, and some other stuff that's happened lately have drained my joy. I can't catch my breath before getting shoved into another fire trying to escape more smoke.
My heart is scrambled around with emotions that I'm trying to deal with right now.
Friday, June 13, 2014
So we found out my grandfather's cancer is terminal. I really don't know how to feel about all of what has happened in the last week. I'm struggling a lot right now. Things are just harder and harder this year.
I'm still dealing with everything that happened to me. Now I find out that it's stage four. It is hard to give a timeline for him because we don't know how the chemo pills will treat his cancer. But now it has moved to his liver.
I've been on the verge of tears at least once a day every day this week. It is really hard to think of losing him. It makes it harder to think about the circumstances. I really don't want to lose him.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
I've really been thrown for a loop this week. It is not going to get easier for the time being either. We found out my grandfather has stage four cancer. My grandparents didn't want us to know. I'm really struggling with this.
He and I have always been really close. We have our inside jokes. We have silly little conversations. He texts me when I am at college. He's been the only consistent male figure I've ever had in my life. He's always been there for me. He and my grandmother made a sixteen hour trip down to see me when I was sick.
He is so amazing. He's a vetran who's seen awful times but he brings such a joy to the people around him. He makes us giggle. And his stark white beard that is so soft. It is totally his trademark. I can't lose him. I really can't. He has meant so much to me. I just really never thought that was a possibility. I am planning for him to walk me down the aisle. The doctors have told him they don't know an amount or quality of the time he has left. It depends on how his body reacts to the chemo medicine he is taking. It gives him nausea.
I don't want to be scared because I want to be positive. But as my mom told God about me... God, You can't take him. He's not done here. He's supposed to do a few more things in this world.
I'm scared. And it hurts me. It hurts me to just think about the idea that he can be taken away. I don't want that. I don't want to lose him. This year has been so hard. This year has taken more out of me than I ever expected. I had really high hopes for 2014. So far, it has been one of the worst years I've ever experienced. We have had so many things go wrong. They say when it rains.... It pours. Well I'm flooded and still getting more rain.
And I'm afraid that if he leaves, my grandmother will give up. That terrifies me. I can't lose both of them. I won't be able to do it. I'm praying and crying out. I really don't know what is coming. I just know I can't take much more. I'm not asking for much. I know I'm not worthy to ask for anything... But God please keep him here. Please don't take him. Don't take the only man that has ever done everything he said he would.
Friday, June 6, 2014
I guess these pictures show you the beauty of where we are. Pittsburgh is beautiful. I wish we were here under different circumstances, but things will get better.
My grandfather's rehab is going well. He's getting discharged from his facility on the 13th. But my grandmother got admitted on Tuesday, but she's having good and bad moments.
We are all really exhausted though. The ride took forever on Wednesday. We got up pretty early on Thursday. We saw both of them and spent a lot of time with my grandmother. My grandfather is getting better. He has lost so much weight. I'm proud of him for not giving up. He's been through the ringer since December. My Gramma is having a hard time. Her sugar got really high and she fell. She spent so much time on Pop Pop, and she forgot about taking care of herself.
I think my mom is taking it really hard right now. She's not expressing it... But she's worried. And now I really wish I could drive so she didn't have to do it all. The drive up here kicked her tale. Her back has killed her, but she's feeling better.
This is a post that I hope y'all are reading. I need y'all to pray for all of us. This is going to be an unsure time for us. Thanks in advance.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Recently... I took a really big step. I deleted every person that connected me to his life. It was something I had to do. I thought I could keep them as common friends. But honestly... every time I talked to them... I thought of him. I think I was holding off on that because I did make personal relationships with them. But every time he commented on one of their posts or something... I saw it. So I blocked him too.
And it's not like I want him back. I think it was about the feeling of a relationship. Once you are in love with someone... there is a hole where you know what it feels like. It is having something really precious given to you and then taken away. It is teasing.
And now I find myself in my room. And I think back to less than a year ago. I think of certain memories like sitting in church waiting for choir rehearsal or sitting on the couch playing with my niece or nephew or his nephew. I have these memories that are great. And then no bad memories of him. The breakup was so out of the blue that nothing ruins it for me except what he told me when breaking up.
They say time eases it... but it seems to intensify for me right now. I can't wait to get that part of my heart back even though it will have his name stomped into it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
I miss the little things.
I miss the hand holding. I miss the nervous energy that is there when sitting next to the person you have feelings for. I miss that warmth that is there from loving that person. I miss that companionship and knowing a person is there like that. Once you really fall for someone like that...
It is so hard to forget. I don't want to have these feelings. But at one point, I let him into every aspect of my life. No one had ever seen every aspect of my life. I showed my relationship with Christ and my family. I have memories in so many places with him.
I sometimes think I am going to stop feeling lonely or stop wanting for a relationship. But once you let a person into every aspect of life... It is hard to push them out of it.
I wish sometimes to forget, but then I remember what he taught me about myself. I remember what he taught me about my relationship with God.
I know some people are okay to be alone... but at some point... I realized that I am meant to share my life with someone. I know I have a soul mate somewhere... I just don't know where or when I will meet him.
Here's to more hope of letting go and realizing the role he played in this configuration.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
But is it bad that I'm sour about my plans for graduating in 2015 are messed up? I mean I don't want to be selfish or rude... but I feel a little cheated because I was so excited about how everything was going to play out, and now things are still really shakey...
Like I don't want to be upset with God... But at the same time... I've yet to see anything positive come out of this year so far. A lot has fallen apart actually. And in some ways I feel like I burdened some people. And I sit here and think about these what-ifs. What if the SSI doesn't come through? We have this massive stack of bills with no way to pay them.
I'm just a little fearful for the next few years because I thought some things were going to go a certain way... and now... I'm not sure of how anything is going to go. It is a scary thing to see everything you work so hard for to be all mixed up and thrown in the air.
I guess I just need to have faith. I guess I just need to make sure I keep pushing and listening for His guidance. I don't want to be that person... But our humanity makes things difficult sometimes.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Some of my biggest fears...
One of my biggest fears is never finding the one. I guess I have seen so many failures, but I know what I want. I want this amazing relationship that has God at the center. I want this relationship that will come through everything that may come our way. I am scared that I am not going to find someone that I feel deserves me. I guess, since I have seen some things... I am afraid I am not going to find someone because of the standards I have.
Another fear I have is these things I'm working on right now are going to fall through. I'm not going to accomplish this major life goal. I'm not going to get this really big part of my life fixed. I want it so bad. I want this to happen more than almost any other thing ever. (Next to Wesleyan, my teaching degree, and a family.) It's huge for me. And based on how things are looking... I'm scared. I know I shouldn't be, but it is so hard.
Another fear I have is that a certain person in my life may not realize their true potential. I'm worried they do not see their own value. This person is amazing. I want this person to realize what could happen if full potential was embraced.
What if I royally fail as a teacher? What if I can't handle it? What if I turn out horrid? What if I get my degree and completely flop? What if all this work turns into nothing? What will I do then? That idea is terrifying.
I guess only time will tell.
So I was talkin to a guy. We were getting to know each other because we had a few things in common, and we were attracted to each other.
Well today, I told him that things were not going to move past a friendship because he and I have different goals for our lives. I realized it was not going to work. I told him as kindly as possible. And by his response... He hates me. Doesn't even want a friendship.
In my last relationship... I learned that ambition is something that is really important in a relationship. There has to be that thing that drives him. I have that want and drive for more in my life.
Honestly... I'm going to be real no matter what. I'm not settling anymore. I'm not going to give up what I want in life. God is going to give me someone who will know and love the fact that I'm aspiring to be more. God is faithful to His Children. He is loving.
He knows the current and future configuring of my Golden Heart. And He's got someone great for me.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
BY THE WAY... The kitties are so adorable! AHHHHH! I have some pics for y'all!
But seriously! They are so adorable! They have been pretty well behaved so far. They make us laugh so hard! We have officially named them Smokey (Left) and Bandit (Right).
Life is looking up. However there are certain things that are still up in the air. We have to wait. We have to decide what will happen with certain opportunities. Prayers please y'all! And prayers to the people and their families from the wreck in my hometown today. It was pretty bad.
Goodnight. My golden heart is warm right now.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
So good doctor appointment. We are really happy with my new physician. We got referrals and a new medicine. I'm moving forward and not backwards. I'm not even side stepping. I'm getting better. He is really happy with my progress since I got out of the hospital.
I got two kittens today too. One is Smokey. One is Bandit. Smokey is supposed to be mine. He loves on everyone but me. But they are brothers and absolutely precious!
If you want to see them... Just ask. I'm writing this via mobile so no pictures here.
I know bad days will still happen... But this past week has been good. Thank You God for Your blessings.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Is it strange that out of all days.... I feel the most lonely today? I was surrounded by those I love at the oldest and best. Yet, I lay here tonight... and I feel so lonely. I guess I just hate saying goodbye.
I don't have much in me for this one... and C/o 2014... Don't think I'm not happy for y'all cause I am. I'm just going to miss some of y'all so dearly.
Prayers tonight:) Hope for my sisters... and peace and serenity for myself. Good night y'all.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
I guess rearranging my room took a lot out of me today. But it gave me more floor space.
It's kind of metaphorical to my life. Sepsis rearranged my life. (I still don't know whether or not it's given me more or less room in my life.)
I really wish things could be back to normal. But I'm still not used to this rearrangement of my life.
I really think it's hitting because several of my really good friends are leaving, and honestly it sucks I didn't get to spend the last semester with them. I am going to miss them a lot. Some of them came to Wesleyan with me. And some of them, I have sat in classes with since my first semester at Wesleyan.
It really is so bittersweet because I'm so proud of them and all of their accomplishments, but I don't want to see them go.
I'm so proud to call y'all my friends. You are amazing women. Some of you Purple Knights are perfect... and you will change this world. You've changed the configuration of this Golden Heart. That's for sure.
Monday, May 5, 2014
My life was all about friends, family, school, and pursuing my dreams last semester. Now, it is all crazy.
I am not able to do much. I miss my friends. I jumped down my brother's throat today, and I think I am just really frustrated. I miss getting to see the people that I have been around for the last three years. I miss the classes because I knew I was one step closer and one day closer to being who and where I want to be.
I just got pushed back a whole lot of time. I am just frustrated cause time is just so precious, and I am just so frustrated. I wish that I could help my frustrations, but I am really wishing there was more I could do.
And every step I take seems like a side step at this point. I am getting pushed back from one goal. Another goal was completely shut down for the time being. I am just wishing for more right now. And I know that it is a little difficult to get this across to other people, but honestly I just want more out of this time.
I guess the configuration is stopped and the gears are still trying to turn in this heart...
Friday, May 2, 2014
So here it goes:
Thank you to my mom who has been through every single emotion even possible since December when I was hospitalized.I am so thankful for her because she sat there day in and out through every single day.
Thank you to the EMTs who convinced me to go to the hospital in the first place. I suppose that I essentially owe my life to them. They made me feel okay. I really wish I knew their names.
Thank you to my family and friends who dropped everything to come visit and stay with my mom and brother through all of my hardships.Some of y'all were there from night to night. Y'all have honestly sown my family and me who is really there for me. It is the most amazing thing to hear some of those stories.
Thank you to Dr. Wright who gave my mom and family more information in one conversation than they had gotten from anyone else in the entire time before that I had been in the hospital. He made me feel at ease with some things when I finally met him as well. It is totally evident that he adores his job. He loves what he does.
I have another thank you to my first nurse coming into my last room at the hospital. She was my day nurse, and she totally made me feel so much better. I am a pretty modest person. She made me feel really safe. I came out of the coma, unable to do much because I had been under and lost muscle mass. I had to be cleaned every time something happened. It is really embarrassing for a while, but she understood me.
I really want to say thank you to one of the assistants. His name was Tyler, and he was the first male I had take care of me since waking up, and it was a little awkward because I was unsure, but he talked to me and made sure that not only I was comfortable with everything, but that my family was also. There was also a night when a nurse (whom we had requested no longer be assigned to take care of me for certain reasons) had been assigned to my room. We told him, and he had my nurse immediately changed. He was someone really memorable the night we all got munchies at like nine thirty. He brought us ice cream sandwiches, graham crackers, and some other stuff to have as snacks. It was great.
I was super thankful to find out that the women staying in the dorm would not let them cook. I felt really thankful to have them take care of my family, They needed someone to be there for them while they were there for me. I do not even have words to express how thankful I am for that. They are such amazing people.
Another thing is that I am thankful for the college for the support they gave my family. They gave them food, housing, support, and somewhere to sleep while I was extremely sick. They gave us so much while I was trying to recover. It even continued when I got out because my mom and brother had to be relocated.
All in all.. I am super thankful! I hope people and realize that even though I have said it over and over... I really can not say it enough! Please let this Golden Heart know who you are thankful for!
So one of the first people I want to mention is my mom.
She has been so amazing. She has been so strong through all of this mess that has happened. She has so much heart.
I think God pushed her almost to her breaking point. I am pretty sure that some of you have met her throughout this process. But you do not know my mom.
My mom has a high tolerance for the things in life that go wrong. She has been through hell and back with four of us. We all have our injuries and issues.
I think that my sickness pushed her closer to God, but I also know my mom has been a lot more vulnerable since this happened. I think that if I would have been in that hospital much longrr, she might have lost her cool on a person. She had a few people kicked off my case because of the choices they made while caring for me.
We really should live life grateful for our parents because we never realize how much we put them through. I am really lucky. I have so much in my mom. I sometimes forget that. I'm deeply sorry. I mean she started this Golden Heart didn't she?
Thursday, May 1, 2014
I also cannot believe how much I have gotten to see my niece and nephew grow. Look at the difference. Kailyn Riley Walker is now a beautiful little girl! She is gorgeous, smart, and so very intelligent. I cannot believe it has been five years. It saddens me that I do not get to see her as often as I want. I love seeing her grow. Her hair is getting longer and thicker. She is eating more and more every day. She went from a tiny little baby that could fit into both palms to a beautiful little girl that is almost too big to sit in our laps now! I am so proud to be her Aunt T-t-t-t-t-t-Tina. It makes me smile every time I hear her laugh. It is contagious.
Look at Easton Zane Johnson. He is such a cute little thing. He is gonna be a heart breaker. He has blonde hair, blue eyes, and skin that tans better than some of my friends who want to get darker. He is a handful though. He is smart as a whip! He can do anything he sets his mind to until Gramma (my mom) tells him otherwise. He is adventurous and will more than likely get in trouble more times than I can count. But I love him so much. He is adorable. Look at that smile. Look at that adorable face! I miss him so much. I wish I got to see him more often.
This is my life right now. Family. And family is not always just by blood. It is by dedication too which makes many Wesleyannes my family. They are past and present, but sisterhood never dies. More about them another time. I have to introduce you to a few of them who have meant a lot to me through these last three years. It will show you have they have configured more of my Golden Heart.
I guess this post is really fitting considering everything that has happened. I though that when I made this blog, I would keep up, but never did. Here is my effort to breathe new life into the configuration of who I am. Well, most of the people who read this blog will have known my struggles this past year. I think back to when I was finishing sophomore year. I was so excited about the relationship I was in. I was looking forward to the summer because of everything I had planned. He was going to spend the summer with me, and we were going to spend time with both of our families. I am so frustrated in a way because I spent seven months of my life with him... and in a week... His feelings for me completely changed. But now I realize what I learned about life through that relationship.
I suppose I have to think back to the events of December and January. I never could have thought that it could happen to me. I guess I forget my run of luck. God's been the center of my life and growing stronger since I rededicated my life freshman year of high school. I feel that Satan keeps pushing me further to see how strong that bond is. I think I have come close to letting it go a couple of times because I was afraid of someone else snapping it for me. I now know that God has these HUGE plans I can never fathom because I literally died in mid-December. I was brought back by His grace. I think it was a way for Him to tell me to shut up and slow down because honestly, I thought I had everything planned out. I thought that I was gonna do this and that. I thought I was gonna graduate in May 2015, but I was also gonna have to drop my honors pursuit. I am very happy that I am here. God has some plans for me. I do not know anything He has planned for me... but I know I am ready to do it. I am ready to get on with life.
I guess this might be a little bit for a back to blog post... but I am feeling good. The next one will be more positive hopefully. Out of my negative experiences that happened, there have been some things to happen with me. Like all things, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I will overcome and move past these events and they will become part of the configuration of my Golden Heart. <3