Saturday, June 28, 2014

Through this Week

So I have been wanting to write for a few days now, but could not for the life of me come up with a clear concise line of thoughts.

I finally just had a thought tonight as I sit here alone in our house. I can live alone if I have to do it. I can, but I wouldn't want to. I don't like feeling isolated. I don't like being alone. I guess this is a subtle hint from God to tell me that I do have someone out there who will complete me. I won't have to ever live in an empty house.

It is really so refreshing to feel that from God. I have been looking for something from God during these really rough past few weeks. It's not really a definitive answer to everything happening now, but then again it is. I have been asking all these questions and I guess He is telling me to sit back and let Him handle it all. I thought I was, but I guess I really wasn't.

I am so frustrated though. I don't wish the events of the last seven months on anyone, but it is hard. And my family has been through so much in life already. And we keep pushing forward to better ourselves and our situation, and the doors aren't just shut. They are slammed in our faces. Or left far enough open for us to see, but not get through. It is rough.

I am just ready for something positive to start happening. I am hoping that some of these things turn around... I really do. I am praying for some positive things to start happen. I guess I just am a hopeful person. Sometimes.... I wonder if I am too hopeful. But my faith is in God, and it rests in the fact that my Father will take care of me!

Thank You God for this little message for me. Thank you for this message of hope while I feel like everything else is falling apart.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Word Vomit

Ever have a moment when you talk to someone... Not like a short polite conversation... But a gritty, get to know you conversation, and you feel like you over shared?

Well that was me tonight. I haven't really had much time to talk to my friends during the last couple of weeks. And tonight... someone talked to me for the first time in like three weeks. And everything just kind of spilled out of my mouth. To quote Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls "Word Vomit." I really feel terrible about it. I want to take it all back.

The worst part is that it was to a guy that I'm interested in getting to know better. He is sweet and super funny.  I don't want to seem weird right now.

I guess these last months have been hellacious. And these few weeks I just went through are just the tip of the iceberg. My family is going to have a rough 2014. And the people I could normally talk to have scattered across the US and world. Ugh... I did not expect this. And now that it's happening... I don't know if my heart is configured correctly enough yet to get through it all.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Emotional Overload

I'm super confused. My emotions are in a million places. Literally, I'm thinking of Pittsburgh (PA), Aragon(GA), Macon(GA), and Oakridge(TN). I'm a mixed bag of emotions. And I'm feeling like the more I try to give it to God and focus on what I can do... the more I have no control over anything.

I just want five seconds when I'm not worrying about something. I thought almost dying this year would have filled my quota for the flames of life. I did not expect the last year to put me through hell.

I don't want to be angry or bitter to anyone, but I'm really emotionally exhausted. I'm trying so hard to keep living for God... But the breakup in August, the events of December and January, my grandfather's cancer, and some other stuff that's happened lately have drained my joy. I can't catch my breath before getting shoved into another fire trying to escape more smoke.

My heart is scrambled around with emotions that I'm trying to deal with right now.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Time left...

So we found out my grandfather's cancer is terminal. I really don't know how to feel about all of what has happened in the last week. I'm struggling a lot right now. Things are just harder and harder this year.

I'm still dealing with everything that happened to me. Now I find out that it's stage four. It is hard to give a timeline for him because we don't know how the chemo pills will treat his cancer. But now it has moved to his liver.

I've been on the verge of tears at least once a day every day this week. It is really hard to think of losing him. It makes it harder to think about the circumstances. I really don't want to lose him.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Praying Real Hard

I've really been thrown for a loop this week. It is not going to get easier for the time being either. We found out my grandfather has stage four cancer. My grandparents didn't want us to know. I'm really struggling with this.

He and I have always been really close. We have our inside jokes. We have silly little conversations. He texts me when I am at college. He's been the only consistent male figure I've ever had in my life. He's always been there for me. He and my grandmother made a sixteen hour trip down to see me when I was sick.

He is so amazing. He's a vetran who's seen awful times but he brings such a joy to the people around him. He makes us giggle. And his stark white beard that is so soft. It is totally his trademark. I can't lose him. I really can't. He has meant so much to me. I just really never thought that was a possibility. I am planning for him to walk me down the aisle. The doctors have told him they don't know an amount or quality of the time he has left. It depends on how his body reacts to the chemo medicine he is taking. It gives him nausea.

I don't want to be scared because I want to be positive. But as my mom told God about me... God, You can't take him. He's not done here. He's supposed to do a few more things in this world.

I'm scared. And it hurts me. It hurts me to just think about the idea that he can be taken away. I don't want that. I don't want to lose him. This year has been so hard. This year has taken more out of me than I ever expected. I had really high hopes for 2014. So far, it has been one of the worst years I've ever experienced. We have had so many things go wrong. They say when it rains.... It pours. Well I'm flooded and still getting more rain.

And I'm afraid that if he leaves, my grandmother will give up. That terrifies me. I can't lose both of them. I won't be able to do it. I'm praying and crying out. I really don't know what is coming.  I just know I can't take much more. I'm not asking for much. I know I'm not worthy to ask for anything... But God please keep him here. Please don't take him. Don't take the only man that has ever done everything he said he would.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Beautiful Views During Hard Times

I guess these pictures show you the beauty of where we are. Pittsburgh is beautiful. I wish we were here under different circumstances, but things will get better.

My grandfather's rehab is going well.  He's getting discharged from his facility on the 13th. But my grandmother got admitted on Tuesday, but she's having good and bad moments.

We are all really exhausted though. The ride took forever on Wednesday. We got up pretty early on Thursday. We saw both of them and spent a lot of time with my grandmother. My grandfather is getting better. He has lost so much weight. I'm proud of him for not giving up. He's been through the ringer since December. My Gramma is having a hard time. Her sugar got really high and she fell. She spent so much time on Pop Pop, and she forgot about taking care of herself.

I think my mom is taking it really hard right now. She's not expressing it... But she's worried. And now I really wish I could drive so she didn't have to do it all. The drive up here kicked her tale. Her back has killed her, but she's feeling better.

This is a post that I hope y'all are reading. I need y'all to pray for all of us. This is going to be an unsure time for us. Thanks in advance.

Monday, June 2, 2014

A Lot of People

I guess this is one of those days when I have to tell myself this. I think that a few of my people should make this their mantra considering the things I am supporting them through. It is difficult to be there for someone else when you are trying to make yourself feel worthy. But I know that I have worth because I am still here. These beautiful women who are doubting themselves have worth far beyond what they know. They have no clue how they help me! I love to see the strength in them. I am excited to help them celebrate their victories. I am excited to help them reach victories when I can because they have helped me do the same.

And can I just tell you... My niece is smarter and getting even more intelligent by the day. I am so shocked at the things she can do. She can do 1+1, 2+2,... 10+10, 20+20, etc up to 50+50. It is beautiful. She has a little sass too. Her favorite words are "Whatever!" and "No" even when she says it in rhythm or when she says it in different notes. It is precious! She is so sassy and prissy! Her smiles are precious and her words are even more beautiful! She communicates with us more and more. Some children with her condition do not communicate verbally. But she sings. Boy, does she sing! Wanna hear? Click here!!!

So... remember what Molly Mahar says. And remember the little things in this world. And love the beauty in this world! BE beautiful! Be humble! Be you! YOU SPARKLE!!!