Praying Real Hard

I've really been thrown for a loop this week. It is not going to get easier for the time being either. We found out my grandfather has stage four cancer. My grandparents didn't want us to know. I'm really struggling with this.

He and I have always been really close. We have our inside jokes. We have silly little conversations. He texts me when I am at college. He's been the only consistent male figure I've ever had in my life. He's always been there for me. He and my grandmother made a sixteen hour trip down to see me when I was sick.

He is so amazing. He's a vetran who's seen awful times but he brings such a joy to the people around him. He makes us giggle. And his stark white beard that is so soft. It is totally his trademark. I can't lose him. I really can't. He has meant so much to me. I just really never thought that was a possibility. I am planning for him to walk me down the aisle. The doctors have told him they don't know an amount or quality of the time he has left. It depends on how his body reacts to the chemo medicine he is taking. It gives him nausea.

I don't want to be scared because I want to be positive. But as my mom told God about me... God, You can't take him. He's not done here. He's supposed to do a few more things in this world.

I'm scared. And it hurts me. It hurts me to just think about the idea that he can be taken away. I don't want that. I don't want to lose him. This year has been so hard. This year has taken more out of me than I ever expected. I had really high hopes for 2014. So far, it has been one of the worst years I've ever experienced. We have had so many things go wrong. They say when it rains.... It pours. Well I'm flooded and still getting more rain.

And I'm afraid that if he leaves, my grandmother will give up. That terrifies me. I can't lose both of them. I won't be able to do it. I'm praying and crying out. I really don't know what is coming.  I just know I can't take much more. I'm not asking for much. I know I'm not worthy to ask for anything... But God please keep him here. Please don't take him. Don't take the only man that has ever done everything he said he would.