tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68185956334439003172024-03-12T20:40:21.825-04:00Configuration of a Golden Heart!My life: here and now, the past that got me here, and my hopes for the future.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-1590875322805206922015-09-30T11:32:00.000-04:002015-09-30T14:59:23.669-04:00More Love, Deeper Love<p dir="ltr">There is one thing that we all desire from the world around us. We desire love that never fails us. We desire love that will never leave us. We want love that will always be avaolable. Honestly, humans can never give that unfailing love. We think we can, but how often have we held grudges? How often do we left unforgiveness rule our hearts?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Until recently,I thought I had forgiven someone for the hurt he placed in my life from a very young age. I discovered that I still help unforgiveness within my heart. I did not completely forgive him, and it was hurting me more than it perhaps was him. I discovered this within myself just a couple of weeks before Confluence, which was this past weekend. God showered me with His love, grace, mercy, and devotion this weekend. With this, I found the deep hole within my heart that was keeping me from moving closer to Him. God filed that hole this weekend with a love that will never disappear. We as Christians have to acknowledge the hurt from the past. Although God has healed it, if we do not realize it is there, we can not notice the healing.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This weekend we heard testimony from another student who went on missions this summer. She was told by someone that they knew she was Christian because she was nice. I want to emit love and kidness to all I come in contact with so that others may see His love within me. I want to live a life where God is at the focus so that my heart follows Him. </p>
<p dir="ltr">With all of this comes the theme of Awakening. The theme of Confluence was Awakening. We as Christians have to awaken from the day to day life we have become accustomed to living. <br>
We must awaken love. <br>
We must awaken forgiveness. <br>
We must awaken our hearts to Him. <br>
Once we awaken, we will see His calling. We will see how Awesome Jesus is. Jesus did numerous things that called many to awaken from the day to day life they lived. We must do the same. He called men to leave their father's. He healed those who weren't wanted by their communities. He ate with the unclean. He did things that made people think He was insane. </p>
<p dir="ltr">When was the last time that our faith was so radically different in love, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, and habit that someone thought we were crazy about God? </p>
<p dir="ltr">When was the last time we looked at the things Jesus has done and been amazed? Jesus healed a man in Mark and told him to tell no one, but the man told everyone because he had to. We are told to spread the name of Jesus to all corners of earth and we cannot seem to do so. What is wrong with that picture? When we look deeper for Jesus and God through our lives and The Word, we find more love and deeper love than can be imagined. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-73249380383200904402015-04-08T19:43:00.001-04:002015-04-08T23:22:47.193-04:00Shadow<p dir="ltr"><i>Have you ever looked at your shadow when the Sun places it in front of you look?</i><br>
<i>Have you ever noticed how tall it makes you? </i><br>
<i>Have you noticed how it makes you looked stretched?</i><br>
<i>How often do you think about if that is how people admire you? </i><br>
<i>How busy are you? </i><br>
<i>Do you ever wonder how you accomplish the things you do?</i></p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>I wonder often times how I do everything that I do. And I know it is not just me. It is God working through me to achieve things for His glory. That is how we stretch into the shadows of who we are. </i></p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>I suppose our shadows are just like the imprint and impression we leave on those around us. The shadow reaches them because of the light emitted from us. There is a light wmitted from each person. Some people say there are auras, and I believe it. I believe the things we do without thinking are the things that really show who we are as well. </i></p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>I believe that we have to remember we are full of goodness. There is hurt and darkness within each of us, but more often than not, the light overwhelms the darkness. There is too much goodness in this world to keep focused on the negativity.</i></p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>So next time you are walking, look to your shadow. Look and see how tall you really are. Think about what you can accomplish when you just do it rather than analyze. </i></p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>And I will leave you with something else that came to me...</i></p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>Often times we think of shadows as dark things, but for there to be shadow, there must be light. </i></p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-82007009211959062352014-09-18T21:55:00.001-04:002015-04-08T12:48:32.892-04:00GoFundMe<div>
<span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">So I created a GoFundMe for my surgery. I am sharing in case you want to donate. Anything helps! Love you all!</span></div>
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http://www.gofundme.com/epwgm8</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-88627967559472396542014-08-13T20:55:00.000-04:002014-08-13T20:55:26.468-04:00Some KnowSome people know about my plans for the next couple of years. I have been through a lot this year, but things are going to get a little crazier in the next year. I am working towards something huge. I have been trying to get this taken care of since summer after freshman year. May 7th of that year actually.<br />
<br />
I am planning on getting weight loss surgery. I have not been so ready for something in my life. (Other than possibly getting to Wesleyan.) I am working hard on this because I have worked all my life to get rid of weight that has been there.<br />
<br />
I have Hypothyroidism. It is where your metabolism is extremely slow, and you have to be on medicine for it. If I am not on my medicine, I gain extreme amounts of weight. It is so easy for me to gain and difficult to lose it. I am not a couch potato typically. I get out. I go out and do things when possible. Anyone who knows me, knows this. I finally have healthcare that allows for my medicine to be regular, and I am in touch to get surgery in Atlanta through my insurance.<br />
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I am not taking this route to be easier by any means, but it will be the jump start I need. I need this to reach the goals I want. I am struggling now because my weight has been an issue since almost immediately after birth. I am looking for my life to improve with this choice. I also understand that right after the surgery that I will struggle a little then as well.<br />
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I hope you all as my friends will support me. I know that you will and I consider you all great friends and amazing supporters. So thank you in advance.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-8897032565300242842014-07-25T02:45:00.000-04:002014-07-25T02:45:44.760-04:00Hula Hoopin<span style="font-size: large;">You know how you have to jump through hoops every once in a while?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I am getting tired of jumping higher and higher to get nowhere. I am trying so hard. And I am not saying I am giving up. I am just saying I am tired! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I want one thing to go as planned. I want for one week when I am not worried about one thing or another. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I know God has all these plans, but it still just seems so much harder for me these days. I feel like since December I have been fighting to get back to normality in my life. I feel like I keep pushing forward to get somewhere just to be told that somewhere is well, um nowhere. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I know God is still here, but the Devil is pushing me really hard. And my hoops are getting higher or smaller (or the hole I'm in is getting deeper). I am just wanting to get back to Wesleyan. I want to get back to BCM. I want to get back to Wesley Foundation. I want to become more than I am at this moment. I want to be someone more than just a homebody. I am wanting to get to the things I know are in my future, but are still a little far out of reach.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I just hurt because I see all these amazing things God has in store for me, and I cannot reach any of them. If you would, pray for me to have patience. Pray for me to gain understanding of God's timing being perfect.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-45133399416787174352014-07-18T01:26:00.001-04:002014-07-18T01:29:25.348-04:00CandidI guess I am just gonna be really candid this post. I have been into my music lately, and it hit me when listening to Want You Back by Cher Lloyd that I definitely don't want him back. I don't want anything to do with him at all. I think during the early part of this year, I might have given him a chance at coming back into my life. But now I have experienced some new things in my life. I just did not see how much my life would change in less than a year.<br />
<br />
I realize that honestly, he would NOT have stayed through the events of December. He would have run and I would have been hurt even more then. He was not strong enough for the person I am becoming. He is not the type of person that would spend the rest of his life with me because he got too impatient too easily. And he was not willing to work for more in life. I don't want someone who is not going to push for better for themselves. I am doing that constantly in my life. I expect the person I spend the rest of my life with to do the same for themselves. I want to be making my life better for myself and every other person that is in it!<br />
<br />
I do not want to say I have high standards now, but I have deal breakers. There are certain things that have to be true of the person I am spending the rest of my life with. I have these things that have happened to me in the last year to make me realize that this person will have to love me for me and now who they want me to be. They are going to have to see me for who I am in the moment, but also be prepared for where I am heading in life. God has big goals for my life otherwise I would not be here. He has to be ready for those things and has to be ready for the things in his own life.<br />
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Those who know me, know I have a passion and zeal for everything in life. I have to have that in common with the person I plan to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with! I have to have someone who will go on random car rides through the country on a Sunday afternoon. I have to have someone who will go to the pool on a Tuesday night just because we can and want to. I want that person that is going to kidnap me at four in the morning for breakfast at Waffle House and watch sunrise. I want a spontaneous person that will have the ambition that I do. If the person doesn't, it will never work because I will either be dragged down or flying too far ahead and neither of us will be happy. This is why I have these deal breakers.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-17472684207352954952014-07-14T16:27:00.000-04:002014-07-14T16:27:52.335-04:00TV in RealityMy mom and I have started watching a couple of new shows. One of them is called Chasing Life. It's really good so far. The content is really hard for me at times, considering the fact that the main character and my grandfather both have cancer. It makes me realize how hard it was for him to tell us. <br />
Another show we watch is called Perception. The main character's father has Alzheimer's. My great grandmother does as well. I am seeing some things that help me understand the disease a little better. <br />
Seeing these... It does not automatically make it okay in my life. But it's helping me deal with certain aspects. It also makes me sad though because I just want to be there for my grandfather. My great gramma doesn't even remember me or my siblings.<br />
The two situations are actually opposites really. One body is going and the other person's mind is going. It is difficult for me to see these things happen in my life. I just want them to get better. I know Alzheimer's is irreversible, and the cancer has a slim to no chance of remission.<br />
Maybe these shows will help me understand things going on in my life that I have no ability to help or control. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-5915628051123371352014-07-03T03:36:00.001-04:002014-07-03T03:36:45.938-04:00Why the Fall?<p>I finally figured out why I have to go back in the fall. I figured out why it is so important to me. I'm afraid if I don't go back in the fall that I will never finish. That is what is so important to me. </p>
<p>I'm working so hard in the different aspects of my life to improve who I am and who I can be. I don't want to be that person that doesn't follow her dreams. </p>
<p>Everyone is telling me I can wait, but if I do... I am afraid I will never finish. </p>
<p>I have to do this to prove it to all the naysayers in my life. And I'm the biggest one out of all of them. I'm the hardest critic and doubter of my abilities. I have to do this for myself.</p>
<p>I have to prove that I can do more because I did think at one point that my life had no reasoning. I did think that there was no reason for me to try. But then I found it in a little boy at a Boys and Girls Club in Myrtle Beach.</p>
<p>That boy and the thousands of others I will reach are the reason I am here.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-71076486776867418892014-06-28T22:29:00.001-04:002014-06-28T22:37:36.251-04:00Through this WeekSo I have been wanting to write for a few days now, but could not for the life of me come up with a clear concise line of thoughts.<br />
<br />
I finally just had a thought tonight as I sit here alone in our house. I can live alone if I have to do it. I can, but I wouldn't want to. I don't like feeling isolated. I don't like being alone. I guess this is a subtle hint from God to tell me that I do have someone out there who will complete me. I won't have to ever live in an empty house.<br />
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It is really so refreshing to feel that from God. I have been looking for something from God during these really rough past few weeks. It's not really a definitive answer to everything happening now, but then again it is. I have been asking all these questions and I guess He is telling me to sit back and let Him handle it all. I thought I was, but I guess I really wasn't.<br />
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I am so frustrated though. I don't wish the events of the last seven months on anyone, but it is hard. And my family has been through so much in life already. And we keep pushing forward to better ourselves and our situation, and the doors aren't just shut. They are slammed in our faces. Or left far enough open for us to see, but not get through. It is rough.<br />
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I am just ready for something positive to start happening. I am hoping that some of these things turn around... I really do. I am praying for some positive things to start happen. I guess I just am a hopeful person. Sometimes.... I wonder if I am too hopeful. But my faith is in God, and it rests in the fact that my Father will take care of me!<br />
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Thank You God for this little message for me. Thank you for this message of hope while I feel like everything else is falling apart.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-52257630681781504092014-06-22T01:52:00.001-04:002014-06-24T01:24:16.586-04:00Word VomitEver have a moment when you talk to someone... Not like a short polite conversation... But a gritty, get to know you conversation, and you feel like you over shared?<br />
<br />
Well that was me tonight. I haven't really had much time to talk to my friends during the last couple of weeks. And tonight... someone talked to me for the first time in like three weeks. And everything just kind of spilled out of my mouth. To quote Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls "Word Vomit." I really feel terrible about it. I want to take it all back.<br />
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The worst part is that it was to a guy that I'm interested in getting to know better. He is sweet and super funny. I don't want to seem weird right now.<br />
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I guess these last months have been hellacious. And these few weeks I just went through are just the tip of the iceberg. My family is going to have a rough 2014. And the people I could normally talk to have scattered across the US and world. Ugh... I did not expect this. And now that it's happening... I don't know if my heart is configured correctly enough yet to get through it all.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-56172256233248611292014-06-14T16:19:00.001-04:002014-06-14T21:46:11.512-04:00Emotional Overload<p>I'm super confused. My emotions are in a million places. Literally, I'm thinking of Pittsburgh (PA), Aragon(GA), Macon(GA), and Oakridge(TN). I'm a mixed bag of emotions. And I'm feeling like the more I try to give it to God and focus on what I can do... the more I have no control over anything. </p>
<p>I just want five seconds when I'm not worrying about something. I thought almost dying this year would have filled my quota for the flames of life. I did not expect the last year to put me through hell. </p>
<p>I don't want to be angry or bitter to anyone, but I'm really emotionally exhausted. I'm trying so hard to keep living for God... But the breakup in August, the events of December and January, my grandfather's cancer, and some other stuff that's happened lately have drained my joy. I can't catch my breath before getting shoved into another fire trying to escape more smoke. </p>
<p>My heart is scrambled around with emotions that I'm trying to deal with right now. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-33962113632397348212014-06-13T00:20:00.001-04:002014-06-14T01:01:50.516-04:00Time left...<p>So we found out my grandfather's cancer is terminal. I really don't know how to feel about all of what has happened in the last week. I'm struggling a lot right now. Things are just harder and harder this year.</p>
<p>I'm still dealing with everything that happened to me. Now I find out that it's stage four. It is hard to give a timeline for him because we don't know how the chemo pills will treat his cancer. But now it has moved to his liver. </p>
<p>I've been on the verge of tears at least once a day every day this week. It is really hard to think of losing him. It makes it harder to think about the circumstances. I really don't want to lose him.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-64302392895144484662014-06-08T11:15:00.001-04:002014-06-08T11:44:39.156-04:00Praying Real Hard<p>I've really been thrown for a loop this week. It is not going to get easier for the time being either. We found out my grandfather has stage four cancer. My grandparents didn't want us to know. I'm really struggling with this. </p>
<p>He and I have always been really close. We have our inside jokes. We have silly little conversations. He texts me when I am at college. He's been the only consistent male figure I've ever had in my life. He's always been there for me. He and my grandmother made a sixteen hour trip down to see me when I was sick. </p>
<p>He is so amazing. He's a vetran who's seen awful times but he brings such a joy to the people around him. He makes us giggle. And his stark white beard that is so soft. It is totally his trademark. I can't lose him. I really can't. He has meant so much to me. I just really never thought that was a possibility. I am planning for him to walk me down the aisle. The doctors have told him they don't know an amount or quality of the time he has left. It depends on how his body reacts to the chemo medicine he is taking. It gives him nausea.</p>
<p>I don't want to be scared because I want to be positive. But as my mom told God about me... God, You can't take him. He's not done here. He's supposed to do a few more things in this world. </p>
<p>I'm scared. And it hurts me. It hurts me to just think about the idea that he can be taken away. I don't want that. I don't want to lose him. This year has been so hard. This year has taken more out of me than I ever expected. I had really high hopes for 2014. So far, it has been one of the worst years I've ever experienced. We have had so many things go wrong. They say when it rains.... It pours. Well I'm flooded and still getting more rain. </p>
<p>And I'm afraid that if he leaves, my grandmother will give up. That terrifies me. I can't lose both of them. I won't be able to do it. I'm praying and crying out. I really don't know what is coming. I just know I can't take much more. I'm not asking for much. I know I'm not worthy to ask for anything... But God please keep him here. Please don't take him. Don't take the only man that has ever done everything he said he would. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-34472441675402999482014-06-06T00:44:00.001-04:002014-06-06T01:08:45.115-04:00Beautiful Views During Hard Times<p>I guess these pictures show you the beauty of where we are. Pittsburgh is beautiful. I wish we were here under different circumstances, but things will get better. </p>
<p>My grandfather's rehab is going well. He's getting discharged from his facility on the 13th. But my grandmother got admitted on Tuesday, but she's having good and bad moments.</p>
<p>We are all really exhausted though. The ride took forever on Wednesday. We got up pretty early on Thursday. We saw both of them and spent a lot of time with my grandmother. My grandfather is getting better. He has lost so much weight. I'm proud of him for not giving up. He's been through the ringer since December. My Gramma is having a hard time. Her sugar got really high and she fell. She spent so much time on Pop Pop, and she forgot about taking care of herself. </p>
<p>I think my mom is taking it really hard right now. She's not expressing it... But she's worried. And now I really wish I could drive so she didn't have to do it all. The drive up here kicked her tale. Her back has killed her, but she's feeling better. </p>
<p>This is a post that I hope y'all are reading. I need y'all to pray for all of us. This is going to be an unsure time for us. Thanks in advance.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-56563467678002306072014-06-02T22:53:00.001-04:002014-06-02T22:54:46.941-04:00A Lot of People<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I guess this is one of those days when I have to tell myself this. I think that a few of my people should make this their mantra considering the things I am supporting them through. It is difficult to be there for someone else when you are trying to make yourself feel worthy. But I know that I have worth because I am still here. These beautiful women who are doubting themselves have worth far beyond what they know. They have no clue how they help me! I love to see the strength in them. I am excited to help them celebrate their victories. I am excited to help them reach victories when I can because they have helped me do the same.</div>
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And can I just tell you... My niece is smarter and getting even more intelligent by the day. I am so shocked at the things she can do. She can do 1+1, 2+2,... 10+10, 20+20, etc up to 50+50. It is beautiful. She has a little sass too. Her favorite words are "Whatever!" and "No" even when she says it in rhythm or when she says it in different notes. It is precious! She is so sassy and prissy! Her smiles are precious and her words are even more beautiful! She communicates with us more and more. Some children with her condition do not communicate verbally. But she sings. Boy, does she sing! Wanna hear? Click <a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10201045179971614" target="_blank">here!!!</a></div>
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So... remember what Molly Mahar says. And remember the little things in this world. And love the beauty in this world! BE beautiful! Be humble! Be you! YOU SPARKLE!!!</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-54706044450013942892014-05-30T00:26:00.001-04:002014-05-30T00:27:01.105-04:00Really Big Step<p>Recently... I took a really big step. I deleted every person that connected me to his life. It was something I had to do. I thought I could keep them as common friends. But honestly... every time I talked to them... I thought of him. I think I was holding off on that because I did make personal relationships with them. But every time he commented on one of their posts or something... I saw it. So I blocked him too. </p>
<p>And it's not like I want him back. I think it was about the feeling of a relationship. Once you are in love with someone... there is a hole where you know what it feels like. It is having something really precious given to you and then taken away. It is teasing. </p>
<p>And now I find myself in my room. And I think back to less than a year ago. I think of certain memories like sitting in church waiting for choir rehearsal or sitting on the couch playing with my niece or nephew or his nephew. I have these memories that are great. And then no bad memories of him. The breakup was so out of the blue that nothing ruins it for me except what he told me when breaking up. </p>
<p>They say time eases it... but it seems to intensify for me right now. I can't wait to get that part of my heart back even though it will have his name stomped into it.<br>
</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-14604363283938336692014-05-28T00:52:00.001-04:002014-05-28T01:46:40.730-04:00The Little Things<p>I miss the little things.</p>
<p>I miss the hand holding. I miss the nervous energy that is there when sitting next to the person you have feelings for. I miss that warmth that is there from loving that person. I miss that companionship and knowing a person is there like that. Once you really fall for someone like that... </p>
<p>It is so hard to forget. I don't want to have these feelings. But at one point, I let him into every aspect of my life. No one had ever seen every aspect of my life. I showed my relationship with Christ and my family. I have memories in so many places with him. </p>
<p>I sometimes think I am going to stop feeling lonely or stop wanting for a relationship. But once you let a person into every aspect of life... It is hard to push them out of it.</p>
<p>I wish sometimes to forget, but then I remember what he taught me about myself. I remember what he taught me about my relationship with God.</p>
<p>I know some people are okay to be alone... but at some point... I realized that I am meant to share my life with someone. I know I have a soul mate somewhere... I just don't know where or when I will meet him. </p>
<p>Here's to more hope of letting go and realizing the role he played in this configuration.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-25518889674696577802014-05-24T22:49:00.001-04:002014-05-25T00:03:53.936-04:00I Don't Want to Feel Selfish<p>But is it bad that I'm sour about my plans for graduating in 2015 are messed up? I mean I don't want to be selfish or rude... but I feel a little cheated because I was so excited about how everything was going to play out, and now things are still really shakey...</p>
<p>Like I don't want to be upset with God... But at the same time... I've yet to see anything positive come out of this year so far. A lot has fallen apart actually. And in some ways I feel like I burdened some people. And I sit here and think about these what-ifs. What if the SSI doesn't come through? We have this massive stack of bills with no way to pay them. </p>
<p>I'm just a little fearful for the next few years because I thought some things were going to go a certain way... and now... I'm not sure of how anything is going to go. It is a scary thing to see everything you work so hard for to be all mixed up and thrown in the air.</p>
<p>I guess I just need to have faith. I guess I just need to make sure I keep pushing and listening for His guidance. I don't want to be that person... But our humanity makes things difficult sometimes.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-18208247371240124882014-05-22T22:39:00.000-04:002014-05-23T19:41:49.270-04:00My Fears<p>Some of my biggest fears...</p>
<p>One of my biggest fears is never finding the one. I guess I have seen so many failures, but I know what I want. I want this amazing relationship that has God at the center. I want this relationship that will come through everything that may come our way. I am scared that I am not going to find someone that I feel deserves me. I guess, since I have seen some things... I am afraid I am not going to find someone because of the standards I have.</p>
<p>Another fear I have is these things I'm working on right now are going to fall through. I'm not going to accomplish this major life goal. I'm not going to get this really big part of my life fixed. I want it so bad. I want this to happen more than almost any other thing ever. (Next to Wesleyan, my teaching degree, and a family.) It's huge for me. And based on how things are looking... I'm scared. I know I shouldn't be, but it is so hard. </p>
<p>Another fear I have is that a certain person in my life may not realize their true potential. I'm worried they do not see their own value. This person is amazing. I want this person to realize what could happen if full potential was embraced. </p>
<p>What if I royally fail as a teacher? What if I can't handle it? What if I turn out horrid? What if I get my degree and completely flop? What if all this work turns into nothing? What will I do then? That idea is terrifying.</p>
<p>I guess only time will tell. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-24474502258166791572014-05-22T17:10:00.001-04:002014-05-22T17:46:08.818-04:00So He Hates Me<p>So I was talkin to a guy. We were getting to know each other because we had a few things in common, and we were attracted to each other.</p>
<p>Well today, I told him that things were not going to move past a friendship because he and I have different goals for our lives. I realized it was not going to work. I told him as kindly as possible. And by his response... He hates me. Doesn't even want a friendship. </p>
<p>In my last relationship... I learned that ambition is something that is really important in a relationship. There has to be that thing that drives him. I have that want and drive for more in my life. </p>
<p>Honestly... I'm going to be real no matter what. I'm not settling anymore. I'm not going to give up what I want in life. God is going to give me someone who will know and love the fact that I'm aspiring to be more. God is faithful to His Children. He is loving.</p>
<p>He knows the current and future configuring of my Golden Heart. And He's got someone great for me.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-5070747607547471562014-05-16T00:54:00.002-04:002014-05-16T00:54:38.031-04:00Watch This...So the only thing I have for tonight is a link to a video that is so beautiful! I guess I needed to happen upon it, but still y'all. I think about this time for myself as well sometimes because of the fact that no father is in the picture. It does not matter though. Watch this video.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/JPDXmbaXvgw?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-8446357625934757302014-05-15T00:51:00.001-04:002014-05-15T00:52:32.925-04:00Well Results are in<b>So, Lab results are in! My blood work seems good except my thyroid levels. So I have a follow up with him to talk about how to fix them! I am happy. He thinks things are getting good. I am super happy with everything that is happening. I am learning that God is still putting His plans for me in motion. Based on my kidney levels... he is happy. He thinks the kidneys are better. Once everything gets better, I can move on to bigger plans. I am happy.</b><br />
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<b>BY THE WAY... The kitties are so adorable! AHHHHH! I have some pics for y'all!</b><br />
<a href="https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/p403x403/10346657_10202906369954015_5709547517119603018_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img alt="Photo" border="0" class="img" height="200" src="https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/p403x403/10346657_10202906369954015_5709547517119603018_n.jpg" style="left: 0px;" width="150" /></b></a><a href="https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10269543_10202897925102899_2717992850772013936_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><b><img alt="" aria-busy="false" aria-describedby="fbPhotosSnowliftCaption" border="0" class="spotlight" height="200" src="https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10269543_10202897925102899_2717992850772013936_n.jpg" width="150" /></b></a><b><br /></b><br />
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<b>But seriously! They are so adorable! They have been pretty well behaved so far. They make us laugh so hard! We have officially named them Smokey (Left) and Bandit (Right).</b><br />
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<b>Life is looking up. However there are certain things that are still up in the air. We have to wait. We have to decide what will happen with certain opportunities. Prayers please y'all! And prayers to the people and their families from the wreck in my hometown today. It was pretty bad.</b><br />
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<b>Goodnight. My golden heart is warm right now. </b>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-50502165725224762392014-05-13T00:42:00.001-04:002014-05-13T00:57:49.704-04:00So New Day<p>So good doctor appointment. We are really happy with my new physician. We got referrals and a new medicine. I'm moving forward and not backwards. I'm not even side stepping. I'm getting better. He is really happy with my progress since I got out of the hospital. </p>
<p>I got two kittens today too. One is Smokey. One is Bandit. Smokey is supposed to be mine. He loves on everyone but me. But they are brothers and absolutely precious!</p>
<p>If you want to see them... Just ask. I'm writing this via mobile so no pictures here. </p>
<p>I know bad days will still happen... But this past week has been good. Thank You God for Your blessings. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-92175761092914983312014-05-11T00:42:00.001-04:002014-05-11T00:42:40.193-04:00Is it strange<p>Is it strange that out of all days.... I feel the most lonely today? I was surrounded by those I love at the oldest and best. Yet, I lay here tonight... and I feel so lonely. I guess I just hate saying goodbye. </p>
<p>I don't have much in me for this one... and C/o 2014... Don't think I'm not happy for y'all cause I am. I'm just going to miss some of y'all so dearly. </p>
<p>Prayers tonight:) Hope for my sisters... and peace and serenity for myself. Good night y'all.</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6818595633443900317.post-76542470248100352022014-05-08T16:15:00.002-04:002014-05-08T23:54:56.535-04:00Rearranging More than Just the Room<p>I guess rearranging my room took a lot out of me today. But it gave me more floor space.</p>
<p>It's kind of metaphorical to my life. Sepsis rearranged my life. (I still don't know whether or not it's given me more or less room in my life.) </p>
<p>I really wish things could be back to normal. But I'm still not used to this rearrangement of my life.</p>
<p>I really think it's hitting because several of my really good friends are leaving, and honestly it sucks I didn't get to spend the last semester with them. I am going to miss them a lot. Some of them came to Wesleyan with me. And some of them, I have sat in classes with since my first semester at Wesleyan. </p>
<p>It really is so bittersweet because I'm so proud of them and all of their accomplishments, but I don't want to see them go. </p>
<p>I'm so proud to call y'all my friends. You are amazing women. Some of you Purple Knights are perfect... and you will change this world. You've changed the configuration of this Golden Heart. That's for sure. </p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02577010342944842993noreply@blogger.com0