Hula Hoopin

You know how you have to jump through hoops every once in a while?

I am getting tired of jumping higher and higher to get nowhere. I am trying so hard. And I am not saying I am giving up. I am just saying I am tired! 

I want one thing to go as planned. I want for one week when I am not worried about one thing or another. 

I know God has all these plans, but it still just seems so much harder for me these days. I feel like since December I have been fighting to get back to normality in my life. I feel like I keep pushing forward to get somewhere just to be told that somewhere is well, um nowhere. 

I know God is still here, but the Devil is pushing me really hard. And my hoops are getting higher or smaller (or the hole I'm in is getting deeper). I am just wanting to get back to Wesleyan. I want to get back to BCM. I want to get back to Wesley Foundation. I want to become more than I am at this moment. I want to be someone more than just a homebody. I am wanting to get to the things I know are in my future, but are still a little far out of reach.

I just hurt because I see all these amazing things God has in store for me, and I cannot reach any of them. If you would, pray for me to have patience. Pray for me to gain understanding of God's timing being perfect.

Candid

I guess I am just gonna be really candid this post. I have been into my music lately, and it hit me when listening to Want You Back by Cher Lloyd that I definitely don't want him back. I don't want anything to do with him at all. I think during the early part of this year, I might have given him a chance at coming back into my life. But now I have experienced some new things in my life. I just did not see how much my life would change in less than a year.

I realize that honestly, he would NOT have stayed through the events of December. He would have run and I would have been hurt even more then. He was not strong enough for the person I am becoming. He is not the type of person that would spend the rest of his life with me because he got too impatient too easily. And he was not willing to work for more in life. I don't want someone who is not going to push for better for themselves. I am doing that constantly in my life. I expect the person I spend the rest of my life with to do the same for themselves. I want to be making my life better for myself and every other person that is in it!

I do not want to say I have high standards now, but I have deal breakers. There are certain things that have to be true of the person I am spending the rest of my life with. I have these things that have happened to me in the last year to make me realize that this person will have to love me for me and now who they want me to be. They are going to have to see me for who I am in the moment, but also be prepared for where I am heading in life. God has big goals for my life otherwise I would not be here. He has to be ready for those things and has to be ready for the things in his own life.

Those who know me, know I have a passion and zeal for everything in life. I have to have that in common with the person I plan to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with! I have to have someone who will go on random car rides through the country on a Sunday afternoon. I have to have someone who will go to the pool on a Tuesday night just because we can and want to. I want that person that is going to kidnap me at four in the morning for breakfast at Waffle House and watch sunrise. I want a spontaneous person that will have the ambition that I do. If the person doesn't, it will never work because I will either be dragged down or flying too far ahead and neither of us will be happy. This is why I have these deal breakers.

TV in Reality

My mom and I have started watching a couple of new shows. One of them is called Chasing Life. It's really good so far. The content is really hard for me at times, considering the fact that the main character and my grandfather both have cancer. It makes me realize how hard it was for him to tell us.
Another show we watch is called Perception. The main character's father has Alzheimer's. My great grandmother does as well. I am seeing some things that help me understand the disease a little better.
Seeing these... It does not automatically make it okay in my life. But it's helping me deal with certain aspects. It also makes me sad though because I just want to be there for my grandfather. My great gramma doesn't even remember me or my siblings.
The two situations are actually opposites really. One body is going and the other person's mind is going. It is difficult for me to see these things happen in my life. I just want them to get better. I know Alzheimer's is irreversible, and the cancer has a slim to no chance of remission.
Maybe these shows will help me understand things going on in my life that I have no ability to help or control.

Why the Fall?

I finally figured out why I have to go back in the fall. I figured out why it is so important to me. I'm afraid if I don't go back in the fall that I will never finish. That is what is so important to me.

I'm working so hard in the different aspects of my life to improve who I am and who I can be. I don't want to be that person that doesn't follow her dreams.

Everyone is telling me I can wait, but if I do... I am afraid I will never finish.

I have to do this to prove it to all the naysayers in my life. And I'm the biggest one out of all of them. I'm the hardest critic and doubter of my abilities. I have to do this for myself.

I have to prove that I can do more because I did think at one point that my life had no reasoning. I did think that there was no reason for me to try. But then I found it in a little boy at a Boys and Girls Club in Myrtle Beach.

That boy and the thousands of others I will reach are the reason I am here.

Through this Week

So I have been wanting to write for a few days now, but could not for the life of me come up with a clear concise line of thoughts.

I finally just had a thought tonight as I sit here alone in our house. I can live alone if I have to do it. I can, but I wouldn't want to. I don't like feeling isolated. I don't like being alone. I guess this is a subtle hint from God to tell me that I do have someone out there who will complete me. I won't have to ever live in an empty house.

It is really so refreshing to feel that from God. I have been looking for something from God during these really rough past few weeks. It's not really a definitive answer to everything happening now, but then again it is. I have been asking all these questions and I guess He is telling me to sit back and let Him handle it all. I thought I was, but I guess I really wasn't.

I am so frustrated though. I don't wish the events of the last seven months on anyone, but it is hard. And my family has been through so much in life already. And we keep pushing forward to better ourselves and our situation, and the doors aren't just shut. They are slammed in our faces. Or left far enough open for us to see, but not get through. It is rough.

I am just ready for something positive to start happening. I am hoping that some of these things turn around... I really do. I am praying for some positive things to start happen. I guess I just am a hopeful person. Sometimes.... I wonder if I am too hopeful. But my faith is in God, and it rests in the fact that my Father will take care of me!

Thank You God for this little message for me. Thank you for this message of hope while I feel like everything else is falling apart.

Word Vomit

Ever have a moment when you talk to someone... Not like a short polite conversation... But a gritty, get to know you conversation, and you feel like you over shared?

Well that was me tonight. I haven't really had much time to talk to my friends during the last couple of weeks. And tonight... someone talked to me for the first time in like three weeks. And everything just kind of spilled out of my mouth. To quote Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls "Word Vomit." I really feel terrible about it. I want to take it all back.

The worst part is that it was to a guy that I'm interested in getting to know better. He is sweet and super funny.  I don't want to seem weird right now.

I guess these last months have been hellacious. And these few weeks I just went through are just the tip of the iceberg. My family is going to have a rough 2014. And the people I could normally talk to have scattered across the US and world. Ugh... I did not expect this. And now that it's happening... I don't know if my heart is configured correctly enough yet to get through it all.

Emotional Overload

I'm super confused. My emotions are in a million places. Literally, I'm thinking of Pittsburgh (PA), Aragon(GA), Macon(GA), and Oakridge(TN). I'm a mixed bag of emotions. And I'm feeling like the more I try to give it to God and focus on what I can do... the more I have no control over anything.

I just want five seconds when I'm not worrying about something. I thought almost dying this year would have filled my quota for the flames of life. I did not expect the last year to put me through hell.

I don't want to be angry or bitter to anyone, but I'm really emotionally exhausted. I'm trying so hard to keep living for God... But the breakup in August, the events of December and January, my grandfather's cancer, and some other stuff that's happened lately have drained my joy. I can't catch my breath before getting shoved into another fire trying to escape more smoke.

My heart is scrambled around with emotions that I'm trying to deal with right now.