Candid

I guess I am just gonna be really candid this post. I have been into my music lately, and it hit me when listening to Want You Back by Cher Lloyd that I definitely don't want him back. I don't want anything to do with him at all. I think during the early part of this year, I might have given him a chance at coming back into my life. But now I have experienced some new things in my life. I just did not see how much my life would change in less than a year.

I realize that honestly, he would NOT have stayed through the events of December. He would have run and I would have been hurt even more then. He was not strong enough for the person I am becoming. He is not the type of person that would spend the rest of his life with me because he got too impatient too easily. And he was not willing to work for more in life. I don't want someone who is not going to push for better for themselves. I am doing that constantly in my life. I expect the person I spend the rest of my life with to do the same for themselves. I want to be making my life better for myself and every other person that is in it!

I do not want to say I have high standards now, but I have deal breakers. There are certain things that have to be true of the person I am spending the rest of my life with. I have these things that have happened to me in the last year to make me realize that this person will have to love me for me and now who they want me to be. They are going to have to see me for who I am in the moment, but also be prepared for where I am heading in life. God has big goals for my life otherwise I would not be here. He has to be ready for those things and has to be ready for the things in his own life.

Those who know me, know I have a passion and zeal for everything in life. I have to have that in common with the person I plan to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with! I have to have someone who will go on random car rides through the country on a Sunday afternoon. I have to have someone who will go to the pool on a Tuesday night just because we can and want to. I want that person that is going to kidnap me at four in the morning for breakfast at Waffle House and watch sunrise. I want a spontaneous person that will have the ambition that I do. If the person doesn't, it will never work because I will either be dragged down or flying too far ahead and neither of us will be happy. This is why I have these deal breakers.

Through this Week

So I have been wanting to write for a few days now, but could not for the life of me come up with a clear concise line of thoughts.

I finally just had a thought tonight as I sit here alone in our house. I can live alone if I have to do it. I can, but I wouldn't want to. I don't like feeling isolated. I don't like being alone. I guess this is a subtle hint from God to tell me that I do have someone out there who will complete me. I won't have to ever live in an empty house.

It is really so refreshing to feel that from God. I have been looking for something from God during these really rough past few weeks. It's not really a definitive answer to everything happening now, but then again it is. I have been asking all these questions and I guess He is telling me to sit back and let Him handle it all. I thought I was, but I guess I really wasn't.

I am so frustrated though. I don't wish the events of the last seven months on anyone, but it is hard. And my family has been through so much in life already. And we keep pushing forward to better ourselves and our situation, and the doors aren't just shut. They are slammed in our faces. Or left far enough open for us to see, but not get through. It is rough.

I am just ready for something positive to start happening. I am hoping that some of these things turn around... I really do. I am praying for some positive things to start happen. I guess I just am a hopeful person. Sometimes.... I wonder if I am too hopeful. But my faith is in God, and it rests in the fact that my Father will take care of me!

Thank You God for this little message for me. Thank you for this message of hope while I feel like everything else is falling apart.

The Little Things

I miss the little things.

I miss the hand holding. I miss the nervous energy that is there when sitting next to the person you have feelings for. I miss that warmth that is there from loving that person. I miss that companionship and knowing a person is there like that. Once you really fall for someone like that...

It is so hard to forget. I don't want to have these feelings. But at one point, I let him into every aspect of my life. No one had ever seen every aspect of my life. I showed my relationship with Christ and my family. I have memories in so many places with him.

I sometimes think I am going to stop feeling lonely or stop wanting for a relationship. But once you let a person into every aspect of life... It is hard to push them out of it.

I wish sometimes to forget, but then I remember what he taught me about myself. I remember what he taught me about my relationship with God.

I know some people are okay to be alone... but at some point... I realized that I am meant to share my life with someone. I know I have a soul mate somewhere... I just don't know where or when I will meet him.

Here's to more hope of letting go and realizing the role he played in this configuration.

So He Hates Me

So I was talkin to a guy. We were getting to know each other because we had a few things in common, and we were attracted to each other.

Well today, I told him that things were not going to move past a friendship because he and I have different goals for our lives. I realized it was not going to work. I told him as kindly as possible. And by his response... He hates me. Doesn't even want a friendship.

In my last relationship... I learned that ambition is something that is really important in a relationship. There has to be that thing that drives him. I have that want and drive for more in my life.

Honestly... I'm going to be real no matter what. I'm not settling anymore. I'm not going to give up what I want in life. God is going to give me someone who will know and love the fact that I'm aspiring to be more. God is faithful to His Children. He is loving.

He knows the current and future configuring of my Golden Heart. And He's got someone great for me.