More Love, Deeper Love

There is one thing that we all desire from the world around us. We desire love that never fails us. We desire love that will never leave us. We want love that will always be avaolable. Honestly, humans can never give that unfailing love. We think we can, but how often have we held grudges? How often do we left unforgiveness rule our hearts?

Until recently,I thought I had forgiven someone for the hurt he placed in my life from a very young age. I discovered that I still help unforgiveness within my heart. I did not completely forgive him, and it was hurting me more than it perhaps was him. I discovered this within myself just a couple of weeks before Confluence, which was this past weekend. God showered me with His love, grace, mercy, and devotion this weekend. With this, I found the deep hole within my heart that was keeping me from moving closer to Him. God filed that hole this weekend with a love that will never disappear. We as Christians have to acknowledge the hurt from the past. Although God has healed it, if we do not realize it is there, we can not notice the healing.

This weekend we heard testimony from another student who went on missions this summer. She was told by someone that they knew she was Christian because she was nice. I want to emit love and kidness to all I come in contact with so that others may see His love within me. I want to live a life where God is at the focus so that my heart follows Him. 

With all of this comes the theme of Awakening. The theme of Confluence was Awakening. We as Christians have to awaken from the day to day life we have become accustomed to living.
We must awaken love.
We must awaken forgiveness.
We must awaken our hearts to Him.
Once we awaken, we will see His calling. We will see how Awesome Jesus is. Jesus did numerous things that called many to awaken from the day to day life they lived. We must do the same. He called men to leave their father's. He healed those who weren't wanted by their communities. He ate with the unclean. He did things that made people think He was insane.

When was the last time that our faith was so radically different in love, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, and habit that someone thought we were crazy about God?

When was the last time we looked at the things Jesus has done and been amazed? Jesus healed a man in Mark and told him to tell no one, but the man told everyone because he had to. We are told to spread the name of Jesus to all corners of earth and we cannot seem to do so. What is wrong with that picture? When we look deeper for Jesus and God through our lives and The Word, we find more love and deeper love than can be imagined.

Shadow

Have you ever looked at your shadow when the Sun places it in front of you look?
Have you ever noticed how tall it makes you?
Have you noticed how it makes you looked stretched?
How often do you think about if that is how people admire you?
How busy are you?
Do you ever wonder how you accomplish the things you do?

I wonder often times how I do everything that I do. And I know it is not just me. It is God working through me to achieve things for His glory. That is how we stretch into the shadows of who we are.

I suppose our shadows are just like the imprint and impression we leave on those around us. The shadow reaches them because of the light emitted from us. There is a light wmitted from each person. Some people say there are auras, and I believe it. I believe the things we do without thinking are the things that really show who we are as well.

I believe that we have to remember we are full of goodness. There is hurt and darkness within each of us, but more often than not, the light overwhelms the darkness. There is too much goodness in this world to keep focused on the negativity.

So next time you are walking, look to your shadow. Look and see how tall you really are. Think about what you can accomplish when you just do it rather than analyze.

And I will leave you with something else that came to me...

Often times we think of shadows as dark things, but for there to be shadow, there must be light.

GoFundMe

So I created a GoFundMe for my surgery. I am sharing in case you want to donate. Anything helps! Love you all!

http://www.gofundme.com/epwgm8

Some Know

Some people know about my plans for the next couple of years. I have been through a lot this year, but things are going to get a little crazier in the next year. I am working towards something huge. I have been trying to get this taken care of since summer after freshman year. May 7th of that year actually.

I am planning on getting weight loss surgery. I have not been so ready for something in my life. (Other than possibly getting to Wesleyan.) I am working hard on this because I have worked all my life to get rid of weight that has been there.

I have Hypothyroidism. It is where your metabolism is extremely slow, and you have to be on medicine for it. If I am not on my medicine, I gain extreme amounts of weight. It is so easy for me to gain and difficult to lose it. I am not a couch potato typically. I get out. I go out and do things when possible. Anyone who knows me, knows this. I finally have healthcare that allows for my medicine to be regular, and I am in touch to get surgery in Atlanta through my insurance.

I am not taking this route to be easier by any means, but it will be the jump start I need. I need this to reach the goals I want. I am struggling now because my weight has been an issue since almost immediately after birth. I am looking for my life to improve with this choice. I also understand that right after the surgery that I will struggle a little then as well.

I hope you all as my friends will support me. I know that you will and I consider you all great friends and amazing supporters. So thank you in advance.

Hula Hoopin

You know how you have to jump through hoops every once in a while?

I am getting tired of jumping higher and higher to get nowhere. I am trying so hard. And I am not saying I am giving up. I am just saying I am tired! 

I want one thing to go as planned. I want for one week when I am not worried about one thing or another. 

I know God has all these plans, but it still just seems so much harder for me these days. I feel like since December I have been fighting to get back to normality in my life. I feel like I keep pushing forward to get somewhere just to be told that somewhere is well, um nowhere. 

I know God is still here, but the Devil is pushing me really hard. And my hoops are getting higher or smaller (or the hole I'm in is getting deeper). I am just wanting to get back to Wesleyan. I want to get back to BCM. I want to get back to Wesley Foundation. I want to become more than I am at this moment. I want to be someone more than just a homebody. I am wanting to get to the things I know are in my future, but are still a little far out of reach.

I just hurt because I see all these amazing things God has in store for me, and I cannot reach any of them. If you would, pray for me to have patience. Pray for me to gain understanding of God's timing being perfect.

Candid

I guess I am just gonna be really candid this post. I have been into my music lately, and it hit me when listening to Want You Back by Cher Lloyd that I definitely don't want him back. I don't want anything to do with him at all. I think during the early part of this year, I might have given him a chance at coming back into my life. But now I have experienced some new things in my life. I just did not see how much my life would change in less than a year.

I realize that honestly, he would NOT have stayed through the events of December. He would have run and I would have been hurt even more then. He was not strong enough for the person I am becoming. He is not the type of person that would spend the rest of his life with me because he got too impatient too easily. And he was not willing to work for more in life. I don't want someone who is not going to push for better for themselves. I am doing that constantly in my life. I expect the person I spend the rest of my life with to do the same for themselves. I want to be making my life better for myself and every other person that is in it!

I do not want to say I have high standards now, but I have deal breakers. There are certain things that have to be true of the person I am spending the rest of my life with. I have these things that have happened to me in the last year to make me realize that this person will have to love me for me and now who they want me to be. They are going to have to see me for who I am in the moment, but also be prepared for where I am heading in life. God has big goals for my life otherwise I would not be here. He has to be ready for those things and has to be ready for the things in his own life.

Those who know me, know I have a passion and zeal for everything in life. I have to have that in common with the person I plan to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with! I have to have someone who will go on random car rides through the country on a Sunday afternoon. I have to have someone who will go to the pool on a Tuesday night just because we can and want to. I want that person that is going to kidnap me at four in the morning for breakfast at Waffle House and watch sunrise. I want a spontaneous person that will have the ambition that I do. If the person doesn't, it will never work because I will either be dragged down or flying too far ahead and neither of us will be happy. This is why I have these deal breakers.

TV in Reality

My mom and I have started watching a couple of new shows. One of them is called Chasing Life. It's really good so far. The content is really hard for me at times, considering the fact that the main character and my grandfather both have cancer. It makes me realize how hard it was for him to tell us.
Another show we watch is called Perception. The main character's father has Alzheimer's. My great grandmother does as well. I am seeing some things that help me understand the disease a little better.
Seeing these... It does not automatically make it okay in my life. But it's helping me deal with certain aspects. It also makes me sad though because I just want to be there for my grandfather. My great gramma doesn't even remember me or my siblings.
The two situations are actually opposites really. One body is going and the other person's mind is going. It is difficult for me to see these things happen in my life. I just want them to get better. I know Alzheimer's is irreversible, and the cancer has a slim to no chance of remission.
Maybe these shows will help me understand things going on in my life that I have no ability to help or control.