The Little Things

I miss the little things.

I miss the hand holding. I miss the nervous energy that is there when sitting next to the person you have feelings for. I miss that warmth that is there from loving that person. I miss that companionship and knowing a person is there like that. Once you really fall for someone like that...

It is so hard to forget. I don't want to have these feelings. But at one point, I let him into every aspect of my life. No one had ever seen every aspect of my life. I showed my relationship with Christ and my family. I have memories in so many places with him.

I sometimes think I am going to stop feeling lonely or stop wanting for a relationship. But once you let a person into every aspect of life... It is hard to push them out of it.

I wish sometimes to forget, but then I remember what he taught me about myself. I remember what he taught me about my relationship with God.

I know some people are okay to be alone... but at some point... I realized that I am meant to share my life with someone. I know I have a soul mate somewhere... I just don't know where or when I will meet him.

Here's to more hope of letting go and realizing the role he played in this configuration.

I Don't Want to Feel Selfish

But is it bad that I'm sour about my plans for graduating in 2015 are messed up? I mean I don't want to be selfish or rude... but I feel a little cheated because I was so excited about how everything was going to play out, and now things are still really shakey...

Like I don't want to be upset with God... But at the same time... I've yet to see anything positive come out of this year so far. A lot has fallen apart actually. And in some ways I feel like I burdened some people. And I sit here and think about these what-ifs. What if the SSI doesn't come through? We have this massive stack of bills with no way to pay them.

I'm just a little fearful for the next few years because I thought some things were going to go a certain way... and now... I'm not sure of how anything is going to go. It is a scary thing to see everything you work so hard for to be all mixed up and thrown in the air.

I guess I just need to have faith. I guess I just need to make sure I keep pushing and listening for His guidance. I don't want to be that person... But our humanity makes things difficult sometimes.

My Fears

Some of my biggest fears...

One of my biggest fears is never finding the one. I guess I have seen so many failures, but I know what I want. I want this amazing relationship that has God at the center. I want this relationship that will come through everything that may come our way. I am scared that I am not going to find someone that I feel deserves me. I guess, since I have seen some things... I am afraid I am not going to find someone because of the standards I have.

Another fear I have is these things I'm working on right now are going to fall through. I'm not going to accomplish this major life goal. I'm not going to get this really big part of my life fixed. I want it so bad. I want this to happen more than almost any other thing ever. (Next to Wesleyan, my teaching degree, and a family.) It's huge for me. And based on how things are looking... I'm scared. I know I shouldn't be, but it is so hard.

Another fear I have is that a certain person in my life may not realize their true potential. I'm worried they do not see their own value. This person is amazing. I want this person to realize what could happen if full potential was embraced.

What if I royally fail as a teacher? What if I can't handle it? What if I turn out horrid? What if I get my degree and completely flop? What if all this work turns into nothing? What will I do then? That idea is terrifying.

I guess only time will tell.

So He Hates Me

So I was talkin to a guy. We were getting to know each other because we had a few things in common, and we were attracted to each other.

Well today, I told him that things were not going to move past a friendship because he and I have different goals for our lives. I realized it was not going to work. I told him as kindly as possible. And by his response... He hates me. Doesn't even want a friendship.

In my last relationship... I learned that ambition is something that is really important in a relationship. There has to be that thing that drives him. I have that want and drive for more in my life.

Honestly... I'm going to be real no matter what. I'm not settling anymore. I'm not going to give up what I want in life. God is going to give me someone who will know and love the fact that I'm aspiring to be more. God is faithful to His Children. He is loving.

He knows the current and future configuring of my Golden Heart. And He's got someone great for me.

Watch This...

So the only thing I have for tonight is a link to a video that is so beautiful! I guess I needed to happen upon it, but still y'all. I think about this time for myself as well sometimes because of the fact that no father is in the picture. It does not matter though. Watch this video.

Well Results are in

So, Lab results are in! My blood work seems good except my thyroid levels. So I have a follow up with him to talk about how to fix them! I am happy. He thinks things are getting good. I am super happy with everything that is happening. I am learning that God is still putting His plans for me in motion. Based on my kidney levels... he is happy. He thinks the kidneys are better. Once everything gets better, I can move on to bigger plans. I am happy.

BY THE WAY... The kitties are so adorable! AHHHHH! I have some pics for y'all!












But seriously! They are so adorable! They have been pretty well behaved so far. They make us laugh so hard! We have officially named them Smokey (Left) and Bandit (Right).

Life is looking up. However there are certain things that are still up in the air. We have to wait. We have to decide what will happen with certain opportunities. Prayers please y'all! And prayers to the people and their families from the wreck in my hometown today. It was pretty bad.

Goodnight. My golden heart is warm right now. 

So New Day

So good doctor appointment. We are really happy with my new physician. We got referrals and a new medicine. I'm moving forward and not backwards. I'm not even side stepping. I'm getting better. He is really happy with my progress since I got out of the hospital.

I got two kittens today too. One is Smokey. One is Bandit. Smokey is supposed to be mine. He loves on everyone but me. But they are brothers and absolutely precious!

If you want to see them... Just ask. I'm writing this via mobile so no pictures here.

I know bad days will still happen... But this past week has been good. Thank You God for Your blessings.