Rearranging More than Just the Room

I guess rearranging my room took a lot out of me today. But it gave me more floor space.

It's kind of metaphorical to my life. Sepsis rearranged my life. (I still don't know whether or not it's given me more or less room in my life.)

I really wish things could be back to normal. But I'm still not used to this rearrangement of my life.

I really think it's hitting because several of my really good friends are leaving, and honestly it sucks I didn't get to spend the last semester with them. I am going to miss them a lot. Some of them came to Wesleyan with me. And some of them, I have sat in classes with since my first semester at Wesleyan.

It really is so bittersweet because I'm so proud of them and all of their accomplishments, but I don't want to see them go.

I'm so proud to call y'all my friends. You are amazing women. Some of you Purple Knights are perfect... and you will change this world. You've changed the configuration of this Golden Heart. That's for sure.

Tough Days

Life is a little tougher lately for reasons that people would not always expect or understand.

My life was all about friends, family, school, and pursuing my dreams last semester. Now, it is all crazy.

I am not able to do much. I miss my friends. I jumped down my brother's throat today, and I think I am just really frustrated. I miss getting to see the people that I have been around for the last three years. I miss the classes because I knew I was one step closer and one day closer to being who and where I want to be.

I just got pushed back a whole lot of time. I am just frustrated cause time is just so precious, and I am just so frustrated. I wish that I could help my frustrations, but I am really wishing there was more I could do.

And every step I take seems like a side step at this point. I am getting pushed back from one goal. Another goal was completely shut down for the time being. I am just wishing for more right now. And I know that it is a little difficult to get this across to other people, but honestly I just want more out of this time.

I guess the configuration is stopped and the gears are still trying to turn in this heart...

Thank You

Hey ya'all! So, I know I have already posted today, but I also know that when you get inspired... You should write. It kind of hit me when reading this thank you letter.

So here it goes:
Thank you to my mom who has been through every single emotion even possible since December when I was hospitalized.I am so thankful for her because she sat there day in and out through every single day.

Thank you to the EMTs who convinced me to go to the hospital in the first place. I suppose that I essentially owe my life to them. They made me feel okay. I really wish I knew their names.

Thank you to my family and friends who dropped everything to come visit and stay with my mom and brother through all of my hardships.Some of y'all were there from night to night. Y'all have honestly sown my family and me who is really there for me. It is the most amazing thing to hear some of those stories.

Thank you to Dr. Wright who gave my mom and family more information in one conversation than they had gotten from anyone else in the entire time before that I had been in the hospital. He made me feel at ease with some things when I finally met him as well. It is totally evident that he adores his job. He loves what he does.

I have another thank you to my first nurse coming into my last room at the hospital. She was my day nurse, and she totally made me feel so much better. I am a pretty modest person. She made me feel really safe. I came out of the coma, unable to do much because I had been under and lost muscle mass. I had to be cleaned every time something happened. It is really embarrassing for a while, but she understood me.

I really want to say thank you to one of the assistants. His name was Tyler, and he was the first male I had take care of me since waking up, and it was a little awkward because I was unsure, but he talked to me and made sure that not only I was comfortable with everything, but that my family was also. There was also a night when a nurse (whom we had requested no longer be assigned to take care of me for certain reasons) had been assigned to my room. We told him, and he had my nurse immediately changed. He was someone really memorable the night we all got munchies at like nine thirty. He brought us ice cream sandwiches, graham crackers, and some other stuff to have as snacks. It was great.

I was super thankful to find out that the women staying in the dorm would not let them cook. I felt really thankful to have them take care of my family, They needed someone to be there for them while they were there for me. I do not even have words to express how thankful I am for that. They are such amazing people.

Another thing is that I am thankful for the college for the support they gave my family. They gave them food, housing, support, and somewhere to sleep while I was extremely sick. They gave us so much while I was trying to recover. It even continued when I got out because my mom and brother had to be relocated.

All in all.. I am super thankful! I hope people and realize that even though I have said it over and over... I really can not say it enough! Please let this Golden Heart know who you are thankful for!

Mentions and Things

So one of the first people I want to mention is my mom.

She has been so amazing. She has been so strong through all of this mess that has happened. She has so much heart.

I think God pushed her almost to her breaking point. I am pretty sure that some of you have met her throughout this process. But you do not know my mom.

My mom has a high tolerance for the things in life that go wrong. She has been through hell and back with four of us. We all have our injuries and issues.

I think that my sickness pushed her closer to God, but I also know my mom has been a lot more vulnerable since this happened. I think that if I would have been in that hospital much longrr, she might have lost her cool on a person. She had a few people kicked off my case because of the choices they made while caring for me.

We really should live life grateful for our parents because we never realize how much we put them through. I am really lucky. I have so much in my mom. I sometimes forget that. I'm deeply sorry. I mean she started this Golden Heart didn't she?

So out of the bad...

There is always some good in life. I also know that there is a purpose for everything in life. Life has handed me some cards that I would rather discard than play. Nevertheless, I play them and survive still. I have gotten so much closer to my family. It is not the way I wanted to grow closer to them, but I am. We laugh a little bit more. We watch TV a little more, and we even play games. I love my family. I think this showed them how real God is, and how short life can be. I know it showed me that. I know I am getting better. I know I am progressing through everything.

I also cannot believe how much I have gotten to see my niece and nephew grow. Look at the difference. Kailyn Riley Walker is now a beautiful little girl! She is gorgeous, smart, and so very intelligent. I cannot believe it has been five years. It saddens me that I do not get to see her as often as I want. I love seeing her grow. Her hair is getting longer and thicker. She is eating more and more every day. She went from a tiny little baby that could fit into both palms to a beautiful little girl that is almost too big to sit in our laps now! I am so proud to be her Aunt T-t-t-t-t-t-Tina. It makes me smile every time I hear her laugh. It is contagious.

Look at Easton Zane Johnson. He is such a cute little thing. He is gonna be a heart breaker. He has blonde hair, blue eyes, and skin that tans better than some of my friends who want to get darker. He is a handful though. He is smart as a whip! He can do anything he sets his mind to until Gramma (my mom) tells him otherwise. He is adventurous and will more than likely get in trouble more times than I can count. But I love him so much. He is adorable. Look at that smile. Look at that adorable face! I miss him so much. I wish I got to see him more often.

This is my life right now. Family. And family is not always just by blood. It is by dedication too which makes many Wesleyannes my family. They are past and present, but sisterhood never dies. More about them another time. I have to introduce you to a few of them who have meant a lot to me through these last three years. It will show you have they have configured more of my Golden Heart.

Long time coming...

I guess this post is really fitting considering everything that has happened. I though that when I made this blog, I would keep up, but never did. Here is my effort to breathe new life into the configuration of who I am. Well, most of the people who read this blog will have known my struggles this past year. I think back to when I was finishing sophomore year. I was so excited about the relationship I was in. I was looking forward to the summer because of everything I had planned. He was going to spend the summer with me, and we were going to spend time with both of our families. I am so frustrated in a way because I spent seven months of my life with him... and in a week... His feelings for me completely changed. But now I realize what I learned about life through that relationship.

I suppose I have to think back to the events of December and January. I never could have thought that it could happen to me. I guess I forget my run of luck. God's been the center of my life and growing stronger since I rededicated my life freshman year of high school. I feel that Satan keeps pushing me further to see how strong that bond is. I think I have come close to letting it go a couple of times because I was afraid of someone else snapping it for me. I now know that God has these HUGE plans I can never fathom because I literally died in mid-December. I was brought back by His grace. I think it was a way for Him to tell me to shut up and slow down because honestly, I thought I had everything planned out. I thought that I was gonna do this and that. I thought I was gonna graduate in May 2015, but I was also gonna have to drop my honors pursuit. I am very happy that I am here. God has some plans for me. I do not know anything He has planned for me... but I know I am ready to do it. I am ready to get on with life.

I guess this might be a little bit for a back to blog post... but I am feeling good. The next one will be more positive hopefully. Out of my negative experiences that happened, there have been some things to happen with me. Like all things, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I will overcome and move past these events and they will become part of the configuration of my Golden Heart. <3

REALITY CHECK

I kind of needed the reality check I got recently. God gave me a reality check and sort of put me in my place. I needed it. I wasn't listening for Him. I wasn't listening for my Father to tell me things were time. I took control of stuff in my life. I wish i would have listened before because I would not have been forced to ride the roller coaster that I put myself on these last fw weeks. I have been trying to be the person on top of everything and I was tring to be the person that kept up with everything all on my own. Except, I forgot... I kind of can't do anything all by myself.
During the month oF February, I kind of tried to take the reigns because I was so busy trying to do me and I kept saying that too, but I shouldn't be doing me. I need to be doing God. God is the reason I am here after all! If I did not have Him, I would not be at this place in my life wheere I am choosing the classes for my sophomore year of college. I would not have the oppotrtunity that I get on a weekly basis to worship with these amazing students at Wesley Foundation.
These students are really amazing because they just freely worship Him. I am so blessed to be influenced by them and the worship they provide. I do feel like this is the place in which I will prosper and blossom! I feel like God is moving here. I know He is. I know He is working miracles in this place because He is doing it in me. I go in there and His Word and Spirit reach me. His light shines through Wesley and I am so blesssed to be a part of that.I find these amazing girls here who just amaze me. They are all so amazing. These girls have something else about them. God brings us all here to Wesleyan for this amazing purpose. There is intelligence, beauty, talent, and kindness. There is all that and so much more. I cannot express the blessings I have recieved here.So God, thank You for the reality check. Thank You for putting me in my place. Thank you, whoever is reading this.This is the configuration of a golden heart!